Baby, she wrote me a letter

Thanks, but no thanks.

Received a letter in the mail today with the company I interviewed with early last week.

I'm bitter when it comes to being rejected. Some people take it in style and cast a wide net. I prefer a more targeted approach, highly selective some call it.

Time to go over The letter. It started by thanking me for taking time out of my busy schedule. I appreciate the the insinuation that I have things to do, but frankly looking for a job and Law & Order consume my day. So, if you call that busy...

It goes on to say that while they were impressed with my qualifications they have decided to continue with other applicants. Here's the problem I have with that. To me it suggests that I looked better on paper than in person, which anyone who has met me knows I clean-up nice.

Here's what I have come to in my bitterness:

• I don't like sentences that begin with "while." They just set you up for a one-two punch to the noggin. It reminds me of this girl in grammar school whose bread and butter was "no offense, but..." It's one of those things that aggravates me.
  
• I am not dressing up for future interviews. Time to let the real Andrew out. The sleeveless shirt wearing-didn't-get-a-shower-in-yet, take-it-or-leave-it comedian.
• From now on I ask "did I get it?" before I leave
• I want to be refunded for my expended energy and time: gas, shower, tire wear, episodes of Law and Order I missed, wasted thought on the job
• Why do they write good luck? I don't need their platitudes, I need a job. Last time I checked I can't pay for groceries with pleasantries.
  

Someday if I have hiring power or my own company this is how I would word a rejection letter:

Dear Job Hunter,

We have picked someone else. This is no reflection on you or your qualifications. As you may already know, we are inept at picking future candidates and the person we picked will likely leave us for a higher paying job within the next year making us regret this hire. But thanks for your time.

Job Hirer

P.S. We don't reimburse for gas or dry cleaning.

But hey, that's love.

The thing is no matter what you say in the reject letter the recipient is going to hate you anyway. You might as well give them some good ammo for their ensuing rants. I'd like to make the reject letter fridge-worthy rather than garbage-worthy.

Back to square one.


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Listening to: Count Basie & Joe Williams - Every Day I Have The Blues
via FoxyTunes