Wednesday, December 29, 2010
Older woman with short, curly, old woman hair: [smiles, then raises her hand] I have 26.
I think she should forfeit her spot in line. At least she was still able to distinguish numbers under 100. I just hope she got dropped off by a geriatric shuttle.
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
Dangerous Animals–Primates (HB 4801/PA 96‐1219): Prohibits a person from having in his or her possession any primate, except at a properly designated facility.
If you're going to defecate on my dream, the least you could do is have the decency to fling it at my face.
I don't want to live in a society where I can't own a monkey. This is America. And if I want to have a pet monkey to fetch me drinks and occasionally wear a butler outfit, that's my right. It's in the Constitution. Or Bill of Rights. One of those important texts. Magna Carta? Federalist papers? Someone help me out here.
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
- Freedom Trail
- Boston Massacre Site
- Faneuil Hall
- Paul Revere House
- Bunker Hill
- Sam Adams Tour
- JFK's Birthplace
- Mike's for cannolis
I scribbled the above sentences last night on an unlined, blank white piece of paper as part of a lecture on handwriting analysis. My penmanship leaves a lot to be desired. I print and my signature has become more of a scrawl. I've always appreciated the field as a science and give it its due credibility. But if there were any doubts among the 30 or so gathered, they were quickly dismissed after the samples were analyzed.
Looking around the room as the lecturer highlighted areas (stem size, pressure, angle, dots above i's, how t's are crossed) to analyze in individual samples it was easy to pick out whose handwriting she held in her hand. Some would bow their head while taking better notes and others would nudge their spouse in the adjacent chair.
Equally enjoyable was when an area of analysis was discussed and the lecturer posed a question to the crowd. All of a sudden everyone was an expert. Loopy stems meant someone was arrogant to some in attendance. Shortly after that suggestion someone would perk up and contest the assertion. Likely the person who supplied that sample.
When discussing pen pressure the expert of the pen had picked up my piece of paper as an example along with a few others. As she looked at it in her vast wisdom, she commented that the person was very intelligent and was probably a very good student. It was at this exact moment that I confirmed she was a sage.
After the 90 minute lecture, I went to thank the woman for her time and sharing her expertise and to get a bit more flattery. Can we ever really have enough? Even though handwriting analysis is a science, it felt as though a psychic was reading your fortune. Upon further review she said that I'm analytical, a good manager, very good at explaining technical things to others, older/more mature than my age, caring and "have a bright future" ahead of me. She left out humble.
All this from a simple sentence about a fleet fox.
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
Waiting for my phone to be repaired, I completed level after level of Angry Birds on a sample phone at the local U.S. Cellular store. The repair had been needed for nearly a year, but I never found the time until today when an unforeseen interwebs outage at work resulted in a freebie afternoon to run wild. Some spent the free time sleeping or shopping. I spent my bonus three hours getting the stubborn bird diarrhea washed off the roof of my vehicle and getting my phone fixed. Lesson: Don't park under trees.
A mother and daughter entered the store and the mother disgustedly told the employee that her daughter lost her phone. "No, she lost it," she repeated. At this point I really wanted to ask if they tried calling it, but I was engrossed in my game and another man's story.
"I purchased two phones and gave one to a friend...a roommate of mine," he corrected himself. "He has since moved out and I gifted the phone to my uncle."
The uncle apparently isn't living with him. I was disappointed that the man couldn't use the word "bequeath" in this context. I didn't get the impression this was an amicable parting of ways. It seemed like a "you took my CDs jerk face" sort of situation.
Truthfully, I was surprised the roommate didn't yoink the phone. Maybe it was a flip phone. It musn't have had Angry Birds installed on it. I'd stay in a relationship, no matter how intolerable, solely to continue playing that game. The roommate disappoints me. Based on the large amount I know about this partnership, it seems his subtle va te faire foutre was to not write down the four-digit password for the voicemail box. The poor uncle now has no idea why people wanted to reach him. What if he won a time share in Florida? What if a radio station was trying to reach him about a contest he won? A long-lost Nigerian royal relative perhaps is trying desperately to contact him.
If I have learned one thing from daytime television it is to never, ever give a cell phone to a friend or family member. Sure. It seems like a great idea. Maybe it costs you $10 and you split minutes you'll never use. Win-win. You look like a big shot UNTIL you decide to rescind your gift and all your Joni Mitchell albums are missing.
The repair person called my name and gave me my fixed phone.
There are times I wonder what I miss while toiling away at the office. Then there are moments like these when I'm reminded how great it can be to spend an hour in the wild.
Sunday, November 7, 2010
First, let me say that I love Northwestern. I love the education (and that expensive piece of paper) I received. I love our 'Cats. I love wearing purple on gameday. I love that I can go up to Evanston to watch the game, take a nap and still have the rest of my day.
The losses this season are tough to take. For a team that has moments of brilliance, looking like an unstoppable steamroller, there are equal if not more moments that counterbalance that image of dominance. I don't care to go into much detail, but how did we lose to Purdue? Against MSU a few weeks ago, the 'Cats looked fantastic. The offense was moving the ball and the defense had shut down the Spartans. Then it all unraveled in the fourth quarter. Then yesterday's game at Penn State only continued to reinforce the new style of play we can expect.
The Cardiac Cats can now best be described as manic. In past seasons, we would be down at the half and come out fighting in the second half. This season is the polar opposite. We come out of the tunnel fired up and destroy the opposition in the first half. Some times we play a strong third quarter, but ultimately we can't finish the games. If we can only play one strong half, could we make it the latter?
What added to the pain was viewing the second half at Kendalls with fellow Wildcat faithful. I watched the first half at home and figured it would be more fun to be around some people to celebrate JoePa's staying at 399. Minor note: we still get into the record books even if it is for being on the losing end and the biggest come back in JoePa's history as coach. Yeah us! The shrieks from the crowd only intensified the pain watching the finish of the game. At least at home I could have turned it off or not been ashamed to start openly weeping in public.
I am now forced to consider if some of the dismay lies in my expectations and hopes that the Wildcats do well on the playing field. Win or lose I will still cheer them on to victory, or an embarrassing loss. I will stay hopeful even if the scoreboard and reason tell me I shouldn't be. But I may have to hide Fitz on Facebook. We may need a break.
Go Northwestern Go! Or just for one half. Whatever you want to do.
Detroit--I hope you're ready for us.
Thursday, October 14, 2010
Sunday, August 8, 2010
Friday, July 30, 2010
Thursday, July 15, 2010
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
Studies show--I'm sure they exist, if I had an assistant as God intended me to, they would have included a link to a study which would go right here--that it doesn't matter if you follow a recipe exactly or simply heat up a pre-made meal. There is an underlying secret step to phenomenal food:
Have someone else cook the food for you.
Simple as that. It makes EVERY recipe better. Why do you think they put "Serves 3-4 people" at the top of the recipe? Surprisingly, no one on my beloved Food Network or Cooking channel has shared this tip with you. As someone who loves to cook, my culinary creations always seem to taste better to those sharing in the meal than to me. Similarly, my mom's food will always taste better than what I make.
I challenge you and your taste buds to the following showdown.
We (or you and a friend, if you have one) both cook the exact same dish in the exact same kitchen. I would advise the dishes be prepared on different days to remove the process of cooking, which could skew the results. There's something about someone else making you food. Try it with different dishes: cans of soup, sandwiches, pastas, baked chicken, brussels sprouts. Well, maybe not that last one.
Psychologically (see non-existent paper above), knowing that someone cared enough about you to make you something to eat heightens the sensitivity of our taste buds, as long as they aren't trying to poison you. Note: make sure your cooking partner for the challenge doesn't secretly or openly want you dead. In this case your dish may just taste a little different than the one you cook for them. That taste is cyanide or arsenic. You should be calling 911 right now. You are in no condition to drive. Stop questioning the smirk on your former friend's face. GO!
Even that hospital Jell-o tastes better than if you had made it, doesn't it?
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
For some reason I was heading up the stairs to the family home of the object of my affection freshman year in high school. It was in the downtown area of a city, but didn't feel like it was an urban epicenter. Mon cherie and I took French together pour un ans, and one quarter I had the fortune of sitting behind her. During the year I knew her, we talked, at best, for no more than a few hours, most of which was in French. Given that my courting style in high school could best be described as "stalker-esque" this was a preferred location to sitting in front of her. Slipping your prof a few francs doesn't hurt your cause when scouting a new seat. I wonder if teachers know when their pupils have crushes on others in the class. Do they ever put you à côté de your paramour?
What's odd to me is that she's visited me a few times in my dreams, which makes me wonder who I visit. We didn't know each other that well. I remember the day I mustered up enough courage to talk to her outside of class. It was after school and she was heading toward her car and I was heading to the bus. And by "talk to her" I mean asking her how she was and after she said "good" telling her I would see her tomorrow. That's the stuff of romance novels.
So we were in the home and it had one of those bookshelf doors as well as a staircase leading to a second level. "A rarity in most urban dwellings," I thought. I commented to her that she had a really nice home. Still got the magic of conversation with my crushes.
I really should stop killing time at Crate and Barrel and definitely cease watching House Hunters before bed.
à la prochaine fois mon amie.
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
Thursday, May 20, 2010
-I considered throwing myself from a moving car a month ago and were it not for those pesky child safety locks, I would have succeeded.
-How upset do you think he was when he discovered he was at the hospital? Even worse if she was standing over him.
-Twenty-three and three kids? No mention if they were his.
-I think this tactic is known as "avoidance" in conflict resolution parlance.
Husband reportedly jumps from car | The Leaf Chronicle:
A man was flown to Vanderbilt University Medical Center on Thursday evening after he jumped from a moving vehicle.
According to a Montgomery County Sheriff’s Office report, the 23-year-old man, his wife and three children were headed toward Clarksville on Guthrie Highway when the two adults began arguing.
At one point during the argument, Deputy Blake Neblett reported the man told his wife to “shut up.” When she refused, the man jumped from the moving vehicle.
A witness traveling behind the vehicle told Neblett it appeared the man jumped from the vehicle.
The man was in the trauma unit at VUMC on Friday, and in critical but stable condition, according to the hospital.
Sunday, April 25, 2010
This montage of people doing things the wrong way on infomercials would be the supercut of your nightmares if you could nightmare right, you incompetent boob.
Update: OK, duh, Everything Is Terrible did this first and without any canned music:
Thursday, April 22, 2010
During the better half of junior high, I used to strategically select a seat on the bus. Conveniently for me, my bus crush's stop was a few after mine and the bus was reasonably full by the time she would board. I'd scan for that prime open seat. On those lucky days, I'd snag it then wait in hopes that we'd sit together for those few fleeting, bumpy minutes. Some days I'd sit on the aisle hopping she'd ask me if I minded if she sat next to me. Others, I'd sit by the window, so the open seat was clearly visible. Maybe we'd compare homework or discuss whether we wanted to wed on the beach or in the mountains. Sadly, she opted to sit with other friends and started dating a guy on another bus route. We never had the opportunity to firm up our matrimony plans.
Friday, April 16, 2010
I patiently waited in line with the aging population of America and listened to them drone on about their grandchildren. If they weren't married and older than 60, they were in their 50s and with their daughters, who felt it necessary to discuss their boyfriends and how much they love Giada. I'm not saying I was there to pick-up women. My main goal was to make my case for why Giada should leave her successful husband and elope with me for a life of mediocrity. Call me a home wrecker. I'm OK with that. Nevertheless, I figured I'd warm-up on the 450 ladies of the line.
|From Giada and other things of beauty|
Tue at 11:55am
Now would be the appropriate time to hide me if you are not a fan of Giada. Off to hopefully get her book and get it signed. She better write "with love."
Tue at 1:31pm
upwards of 25 people await the arrival of giada at oak brooks crate and barrel. more inside. oh the fervor!
Tue at 2:12pm
notes from the line: learning about how u carry a baby is a foreshadower of the baby's sex. im losing masculinity by the minute.
Tue at 2:51pm
almost go time. which likely means waiting in a line but indoors. WHAT TO SAY?!
Tue at 3:20pm
in the store! buying a second pair of pants was a smart move.
Tue at 3:50pm
OMFG. there comes a point un every mans life that can be looked at in the future as a defining moment. today was probably not that day. upside, didnt get arrested. now i enter the post giada phase of my life.
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
There are two types of people in this world: those that comment on blog posts and those that don't.
I regretfully am in the latter bucket. It isn't that I don't want to read what others write, I simply haven't allocated the time to do so. I think it all started that fateful day when I subscribed to a few magazines, one of which being a weekly. One of the subscriptions has since run its course and I didn't renew. There are still four or five issues in their snug cellophane. That leaves two dense mags that skimp on pictures and continue to make me reach for the dictionary. I've yet to determine if this makes me feel challenged or deserving of the short bus. My goal is to be reading issues in the same month as my Legends of Jazz wall calendar displays. It's an ongoing literacy battle. I took out a speed reading book, but apparently getting the audiobook version was a wasted effort.
Monday, April 5, 2010
If any of the following sound reminiscent or have happened to you, fret not:
- Your coworkers come in on Monday and talk about their scurrilous weekend together
- Your Facebook feed is dominated by parties you weren't invited to
- Perhaps you Photoshop yourself into group shots
If you often find yourself on the uninvited list (also known as the shit list), there's a simple solution. All you need is the address. Yes, there will be some uncomfortable moments. You may get some doors closed in your face--think of the back door as a second opportunity. If you've brought some beer or medium-tier fermented beverage, the collective thirst of the group will outweigh their disdain for you. Initially it might be wise to avoid glass containers. Alcohol is to a party what beads and shells were to the Native Americans. (As an aside, the Native Americans were the first group to truly know the joys of gentrification.)
In no time you'll be known as "that guy who shows up." Use Twitter and social networks as your tools. Don't think of it as stalking. As soon as they hit publish, it's public information. I'm not sure about the legality of this, but it sounds solid.
Once you've mastered this, the brass ring is the wedding invite. Instead of booze, you'll want to bring a toaster or kitchen appliance. Don't over do it and get a Kitchen-Aid, then you'll get invited to everyone's wedding and go broke. I will take this opportunity to announce that should you be in the greater metropolitan Chicago area, I may be able to lend my services, but I will need a formal invite.
Monday, March 29, 2010
If I lived downtown I'd...
If I had more time I'd...
If I could leave tomorrow I'd...
If I had more energy I'd...
If I were stronger I'd...
If I could be anywhere I'd...
If I had more time I'd...
If I'd gone to meet her I'd...
If only I could stop thinking about if.
Thursday, March 18, 2010
You are what you carry, which makes me two slightly used tissues, a month-old issue of New Yorker, a camera and some eye drops.
What do you carry that best defines you?
Sunday, March 7, 2010
Waiting for dark and fearing that it might be our last should things go awry, we sat down after work for a two-course dinner. We managed to keep the conversation on everything but the task before us.
Sunday, February 28, 2010
a tissue taking the place of a hand
sleep brings relief
After falling asleep in your day clothes
you awake and
for a brief moment
you can breathe through your nose
who cares that it's just one side
After a few breaths
and thinking the symptoms gone
the sinus flood gates open
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
BBC News - Male breast op numbers 'growing fastest':
Breast reduction for men is the fastest-growing part of the cosmetic surgery industry for the second year running, plastic surgeons have said.
The number of such operations rose from 323 in 2008 to 581 last year - an 80% increase - the British Association of Aesthetic Plastic Surgeons said.
Friday, January 29, 2010
Shared: 'Dancing With the Stars' Co-Host Leaving Show : TVBizwire : TVWeek - Television Industry news, TV ratings, analysis, celebrity event photos
'Dancing With the Stars' Co-Host Leaving Show : TVBizwire : TVWeek - Television Industry news, TV ratings, analysis, celebrity event photos:
ABC’s “Dancing With the Stars” is losing one of its co-hosts, People.com reports.
The popular show is currently hosted by two people, Tom Bergeron and Samantha Harris.
It's Harris who is leaving.
She said she’s leaving because she needs to concentrate on her correspondent job at “The Insider.”
Thursday, January 28, 2010
Round 1: Pork chops with mushrooms, red onion, broccoli and garlic.
Time: 30-40 minutes.
43 Simple Ways To Simplify Your Life:
"Reducing complexity in my life has reduced stress, increased free time, and top priorities are actually top priorities. When we simplify as much as we can we are better able to slow down and enjoy each moment as opposed to rushing through it."
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
McDonald's 'wrong' to fire worker over cheese slice - Telegraph: "A McDonald's restaurant was wrong to fire a worker for giving a colleague an extra piece of cheese on a hamburger, a Dutch court ruled on Tuesday."
School Outlaws "Sexual Bending" - January 26, 2010:Best part: "Which appears to rule out performances of the Charleston, Electric Slide, and Cha-Cha."
JANUARY 26--Like many educators nationwide, administrators at a Wisconsin high school are aiming to curb risque moves at an upcoming school dance.
Sunday, January 24, 2010
"Burglars on Wednesday broke into the Ashdod Museum where hundreds of artifacts recovered from the black-market were on show and snatched several valuable items, including a silver ring belonging to Alexander the Great and gold earrings."
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
Saturday, January 16, 2010
Thursday, January 14, 2010
Frosted Shredded Wheat
Largely based on the lack of soy milk this morning, I discovered its necessity when consuming my morning bowl 'o cereal. Crunchy cereal just isn't the same as racing the sog monster. I like to keep it juvenile and motor through a bowl of cereal every morning.
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
Facebook's sexy bra stunt - THE WEEK:
"This weekend, Facebook newsfeeds exploded with a rainbow of terse but colorful updates — 'blue,' 'pink,' 'black and lacy' — mystifying social networkers. The culprit: A message chain urging women to post their bra colors in the name of breast cancer awareness: 'Write the color, nothing else,' the anonymous call-to-action read. 'It will be fun to see how long it takes before the men will wonder why all the girls have a color in their status.' Did the stunt, unsupported by the Breast Cancer Association, do any good — or was it just flirty 'slacktivism'?"
Monday, January 11, 2010
Sunday, January 10, 2010
Northwestern kicker Stefan Demos doesn't let Outback Bowl nightmare get him down - chicagotribune.com
Northwestern kicker Stefan Demos doesn't let Outback Bowl nightmare get him down - chicagotribune.comHe walked around Welsh-Ryan Arena the other night as if he were running for mayor of Evanston.
Outfitted prominently in a walking boot and black shirt with a purple "N" logo, he chatted with university President Morton Schapiro and sat at halfcourt for an interview with WGN-AM 720.
You might have envisioned Stefan Demos entering the Witness Security Program after missing that game-winner in the Outback Bowl, but he has taken the opposite tact since returning to campus.
Thursday, January 7, 2010
(CNN) -- Yoga instructor Sadie Nardini and her husband got an early start on their New Year's resolution: In December, the New York couple decided to have sex every day for the entire month.
Nardini and her husband, a professional photographer, initially decided to have sex like bunnies in the hopes that all the activity might help them overcome his-and-her bad habits: cigarettes and chocolate, respectively. And indeed, the nightly trysts did help. But they also found, unexpectedly, that frequent sex made them feel better in other ways, too.
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
- If you add the word "celebrity" to whatever you're doing, it makes it instantly more appealing. Thanks Dave.
- Getting less than 5 hours of sleep a night, then waking up and repeating.
- Adding Jenny on Facebook, then standing right next to her as she checked her Blackberry and asked "Does anyone know who this Andrew is?" She claimed she was bad with last names.
- Shotgun duels.
- Challenging waitresses to down dishes of ranch dressing after someone at the table wouldn't do it.
- Getting the number of ladies under the age of 30. (This is new for me.)
- Running into Joe Montana at Tropicana Field on a impromptu day trip.
- Going nearly perfect at flip cup. I'm considering going pro.