My Threesome with Jesus

God, if you’re reading this, I’ll tell you all about it at confession. Forgive me father for what I’m about to write.

I should say upfront that I consider myself faithful and religious. I go to church on a quasi-regular basis and sing along while there. I draw the line at clapping. Faith has gotten me through some tough times and decisions—and by tough I don’t mean choosing which car to take to work or whether to wear khakis or chinos (always chinos).

But recently, I had a first date with a girl who knew Jesus. We had met through Match and had emailed a bit before agreeing to meet at the epicenter of first dates: Starbucks. She, a self-proclaimed coffee snob, and I, a coffee virgin, were destined for greatness.

Over an obscenely large white mug of French-pressed java we discussed all the requisites: siblings, life goals, swing dancing, jobs, music and YouTube. The date seemed to be going well, after all it started with a handshake. The turning point may have been when I said I was Catholic. Similar to a former date’s disappointing discovery that despite tripping her Jew-dar, I wasn’t, in fact, Jewish, my coffee date was likely crestfallen to find we didn’t attend the same services.

Three times during our outing, she had mentioned she wasn’t looking for anything serious. I’m pretty sure she wasn’t looking for a random hookup either. While waiting for the cock to crow, I was wondering why she felt obliged to say this. The conversation was polite and genial—I abstained from asking if we were going back to her place after, you know, to pray.

I find this assumption bothersome and a bit arrogant. It supposes that I’m enthralled with her and ready to skip past GO and collect a wedding license. I can see how this girl may have gotten that impression after I had dropped to a knee to tie my shoe and had asked “Will you…[pause]…get me some more sugar?”

After closing down Starbucks, I walked her to her car, received my goodbye handshake and went on my way. I had texted her later in the week to see how she was doing and she responded something about working. A few days later I called and left a voicemail simply asking how classes and work were going. A little later I received this text message:

Hey. Got your voicemail. I don’t think I’m ready for this whole Match thing. Best of luck with everything.

All I asked was how she was. While I do appreciate the response, this bothers me for a few reasons:

• Why the hell is she on a dating site?
• Again with the assumptions.
• Who said I wanted anything more than friendship?

This is the second time I’ve heard this crap excuse. I have previously admitted that whether or not a woman responds or concocts a bogus excuse, there will be some level of animosity that accompanies rejection. I prefer a response to no response but claim that I want honesty. So far, I’ve heard that my previous one-and-done dates didn’t have time to date or simply weren’t ready. Given that I’ve met most of these people through dating sites on the internets, I don’t accept these excuses as valid. Just tell me you have to wash your hair indefinitely.

I’m sad to see this girl go. If only I could get my coffee virginity back…I gave her my first cup.
I was really looking forward to a threesome with Jesus.

How to Know if You’re Dating a Bible Thumper:

• If your date’s good friends are Matthew, Mark, Luke and John, she might be a Bible thumper.
• If your date looks for her Bible while you’re out, she might be a Bible thumper.
• If she’s a fan of Jesus on Facebook, she’s probably more religious than you.
• If your date asks you how long you’ve known Jesus, she might be a Bible thumper.
• If your date went to Bible College, she’s probably a Bible thumper.
• If she has more than six siblings, odds are she comes from a religious crew.
• If your date asks you if you’re a good carpenter, run.