Tuesday, September 6, 2011

The Grass is Always Greener (and Thicker)

Feeling good about yourself? Well, never read your alumni magazine. No matter how good things are going for you, someone else's life is far better. 

Hella proud that you buttoned your shirt correctly the first time? Yeah. Well someone else that sat in the same lecture hall as you did, just found a cure for cancer. 
Your blog get 20 hits over the weekend, most of which were either yours or a family member's? Some girl who just graduated has a three book deal with a major publisher. AND her first book is on the New York Times Best Sellers list. AND she just sold the movie rights to the people who did Twilight. I'm not jealous. I just want to know if she's single.

I firmly believe the only reason they put the "Passings" section in the back is so you think "well, at least I'm not dead." Even those are depressing. I'm adding the following words to my "Words that Depress Me" list:
  1. Endowment
  2. Million
  3. Billion
  4. Wing
  5. Trust
One alum had a portrait in lieu of a picture. The only time I've had a painting of myself was a self-portrait with fecal-brown finger paint because I thought mixing all the colors would make one great color. I should've known then I could only aspire to mediocrity. And I made that last year.

If you'll excuse me, I just saw a commercial for a suicide hotline. I need to talk to someone about this.


  1. You realize those same words that are on your depressing list are also top spam filter trigger words? Sometimes "TRUSTing your ENDOWMENT to sprout WINGs that will give her MILLIONs and BILLIONs more fortune" gets you automatically sent to a place nobody ever looks at. Plus, as soon as they put your name on a building, all you get is decades of people pronouncing your name wrong.

  2. I think I've already been sent to this magical place that care forgot. 5 days a week.